Baby Got Back
by ExceedinglyPeculiarChick
Summary: In which Leo sings an awkward song in the shower, and the other six prophecy demigods question many of their life decisions. / Chapter 9: "It's not really 'let's scandalize Hazel' day until we do the wobble!" (Warning: This chapter is T-rated for language!)
1. Baby Got Back

"Anybody know where Leo is?"

Hazel's question jerked Percy out of his half-asleep stupor, prompting him to blearily open one eye and glance around at his surroundings. Salty ocean air stung his skin-they were on the deck of the _Argo II_, white-hot sun beating down on them. The sky was a perfect, cloudless blue. Hovering over him, he could just make out a cascade of gold curls framing someone's face.

_Annabeth_, he thought to himself. He must've fallen asleep on her lap again.

Raising himself up further, he saw Jason leaning against a pile of unused rigging, studying what appeared to be a map. Piper had her head resting on his shoulder, staring off into space. Hazel was paging through a book, and Frank was polishing his bow, but Leo was nowhere to be seen.

"I think he went to shower," Jason said in regard to Hazel's question. He idly folded the map over, laid it on the deck beside him, and closed his eyes. "But he's been down there almost an hour and a half."

"What's he doing down there? He's got to have reached some brilliant philosophical conclusion by now, he's been down there so long," Annabeth said, rolling her eyes.

"Who knows with that boy?" Piper laughed. "He's so…"

"Weird?"

"Thank you, Percy, that was _exactly_ the word I was looking for."

Frank set his bow to one side. "Hey, as long as he doesn't use up all the hot water, I'm good."

"Have you forgotten who you're with, Frank?" Percy asked, gesturing to himself. "Son of the Sea God, instant hot water, you know?"

The son of Mars blushed. "Whoops."

"I wonder what's taking him so long, though," Hazel said thoughtfully. "Puzzling out the universe, or-"

She was interrupted by a sudden loud voice from underneath them:

"_I LIKE BIG BUTTS, AND I CANNOT LIE!_

_YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY!_

_AND WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN_

_WITH AN ITTY-BITTY WAIST_

_AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE_

_YOU GET SPRUNG!_"

"What is _that_?" Jason shouted, springing up from his seat. Everyone else on the deck was now doubled over, laughing hysterically.

"It-it sounds like a whale being hit with a bag of dying cats," Annabeth choked out.

"Like Octavian at senate meetings?" Percy asked weakly, and that set them off again.

Leo emerged from below decks with wet hair, wearing nothing but a towel. "I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and-" He stopped dead when he saw everyone staring at him. "What are you all looking at?"

_Where to begin?_ Percy thought helplessly. "Um, Leo, you sing really off-key…"

O-o-O

**A/N: Hope-yeah, I put it in there for you :D**

**So in case you couldn't tell, this is a complete and utter crackfic. I was just on Tumblr about an hour ago reading all the Mark of Athena theories, and I got all depressed, so I came and wrote this and now I feel better. I'm still having _really_ bad Nico feels, though. Any fangirls out there who can relate?**

**EPC **


	2. Set Fire to the Rain

**A/N: Okay, so I just got a review from a guest called StillGotTricks who suggested another chapter AND told me how it might go. The idea literally made me cry because I was laughing so hard, so I decided that I'd put it in. StillGotTricks, this one's for you!**

**EPC**

A few days after Leo's first shower incident, the demigods were officially going insane.

"We've got to stop him from doing this," Annabeth said exasperatedly, slamming her hands down on the deck railing. "If I hear 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' one more time, I'm going to kill myself."

"SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER!" Leo shrieked from below deck, which made everyone groan.

"Hazel?"

"Yeah, Annabeth?"

"Can you go check where Leo is, please?"

Hazel complied, running off down the stairs.

"I know it's annoying, but we can't exactly stop him from showering," Jason pointed out. "I have to share a room with the guy, and as much as I love you people, I am _not_ making that kind of sacrifice for you."

"Besides, he'll just start singing in other places." Frank shook his head. "I really don't want him belting out Ke$ha while we're running into battle against the giants."

"Well," said Piper—ever the voice of reason—why don't we IM Chiron? I'm sure he might be able to come up with something."

Hazel came flying back up the stairs, breathing hard. "He just got in the shower now, so whatever you're going to do—do it fast!"

"Okay, okay, jeez!" Piper dug around in the pocket of her shorts, came up with a drachma, and handed it to Percy.

"O Fleecy, do me a solid. Show me Chiron at Camp Half-Blood."

Piper, Jason, and Annabeth looked at Percy strangely, but remained silent.

A patch of mist shimmered in the air, and everybody crowded around so they could see.

They found Chiron in the middle of a war council meeting, with all the counselors crowded around the Ping-Pong table. When the Iris-message appeared, Connor Stoll stopped talking and abruptly sat down.

"Um, hi, everybody," Percy offered.

The room of counselors spontaneously burst into cheers.

Clarisse raised her eyebrows. "Prissy? You're alive?"

"Well… yeah, but that's not the point. Chiron?"

The old centaur looked genuinely pleased to see Percy (as did everyone else in the room), but he nodded. "What is it, my boy?"

"We, uh, sort of have a problem—"

"—and it's driving us crazy!" Annabeth finished.

"We were wondering if you might be able to help us with it," added Piper.

"I'm sure I could help," Chiron said kindly. "What's the problem?"

The six of them looked at each other awkwardly for a long moment. Finally, Frank spoke up. "Well, you see—"

He was cut off by a loud voice from below deck, causing the demigods to clutch at their ears.

"_I SET FIRE…TO THE RAAAAAAIN—"_

"Agh, what is _that_?" asked Travis, horrified.

"_WATCHED IT POUR AS I TOUCHED YOUR FAAAACE_

_THEN IT SCREAMED_

_AND I CRIED_

'_CAUSE I HEARD IT SCREAMING OUT YOUR NAME_

_YOUR NAAAAME…"_

The voice abruptly quieted down, though it was still audible from below. Both groups were staring at each other in complete, horrified silence.

"I…oh, my," said Chiron after a long pause.

"Yeah," Hazel said quietly. "Leo kind of sings in the shower."


	3. Everyone is Now on Crack

"Can't we just turn off the godsforsaken water?" Hazel moaned a few days later when they heard the shower turn on below deck. "Leo's going to start singing again!"

"I—would—Hazel," Percy grunted from where he was sparring towards the bow of the ship, slashing with his sword and causing Jason to jump about three feet in the air, "but—I—kind—of—need—a—shower."

"Me, too," Jason agreed, staggering over to the deck railing and sitting down heavily. "I've never been so sweaty in my life."

Percy grinned. "I can fix that for myself, though." In one swift motion, he stripped off his shirt, tossed it to Annabeth, and disappeared over the side of the ship with a flawless dive.

Annabeth rolled her eyes at her boyfriend. He was just such a Seaweed Brain sometimes, but she loved him anyway. "He just had to take the shirt off, didn't he? What the Hades."

"He wasn't like this when we went on our quest," Frank said quietly.

"Yeah," Hazel agreed, "he was all smart and leaderly and stuff."

"Actually, Leo was pretty much exactly like this when we went on ours," Piper sighed. "In fact, I don't know why he isn't—"

_"DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DOOO!"_ screeched a high, shrieky voice from below deck.

Percy burst suddenly out of the water, willing the waves to carry him onto the deck. (He was rather distracting when shirtless, but Annabeth tried not to focus on that.) The image was rather marred by his hands clamped over his ears as he yelled, "You just had to jinx it, Pipes?!"

"Sorry!" Piper shouted back as Leo changed songs:

_"SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT,_

WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT,

WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT!"

"This is beyond Chiron, even," Annabeth moaned. "Why did we let him come with us, anyway?"

_"THE SUN GOES DOWN, THE STARS COME OUT_

AND ALL THAT COUNTS IS HERE AND NOW

MY UNIVERSE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

I'M GLAD YOU CAME, I'M GLAD YOU CAME!"

"Great, now he can hear us!" Frank whimpered.

"HEY, I JUST MET YOU

AND THIS IS CRAZY

BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER

SO CALL ME MAYBE?"

"No girl in their right mind would call you, Repair Boy!" Piper shouted.

There was a beat of silence.

"THAT'S INSULTING, BEAUTY QUEEN! NOW I SHALL SPITE YOU WITH HORRIBLENESS!"

"Is that even a—" Annabeth barely had time to wonder aloud before the singing started back up.

_"BABY YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE_

THE WAY THAT YOU FLIP YOUR HAIR GETS ME OVERWHELMED

BUT WHEN YOU SMILE AT THE GROUND IT AIN'T HARD TO TELL

YOU DON'T KNOW-OH-OH

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!"

"Hey," Percy shouted, that's MY song, Leo!" He ran downstairs, followed a few seconds later by an almighty crash and an even louder "OW!"

"When will the weirdness of this place _end_," Hazel moaned.

Frank shrugged. "Who knows? Percy went down there to throttle Leo, right? Maybe they'll drown soon."

"Um, Frank...Percy's the son of Poseidon," Jason said slowly. "He _can't_ drown."

Annabeth facepalmed.

**A/N: Oh my effing GODS, you guys, thanks so much for all the suggestions! I'll try to get around to every one—and in the meantime, feel free to send more! (The funnier, the better, though.)**

Songs used in this chapter: "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, "Glad You Came" by The Wanted, "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen, and "What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction.

EPC 


	4. We Are the Champions

"I don't understand why Leo can't have a little more respect for the fact that one: Percy and Annabeth are in the depths of Tartarus and fighting for their lives, and two: we're sort of on a quest that determines the fate of the world," Jason sighed, leaning back in his chair and propping his feet on the table on fornt of him. All pretenses of the formal Roman praetor were completely gone; it was after midnight, and he was clearly exhausted.

Piper personally felt like she could keel over from exhaustion any minute.. They'd had an absolutely _insane_ day in the monster department, finishing off several hellhounds, six _dracaenae_, pit scorpions, and a freaking Hydra. Both Piper and her boyfriend, along with the other demigods aboard the _Argo II_ were covered in monster dust and various nasty-smelling slimes, not to mention a lot of their own blood.

Unfortunately, they hadn't been able to clean off because _someone_ (read: Valdez) was hogging the shower.

"LEO!" Frank shouted, pounding on the door with a huge fist. "YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF!"

"YOU DON'T GET HAIR THIS NICE WITHOUT SOME WORK, ZHANG!" Leo replied, his tone somehow managing to imply that the matter was closed even while he was shouting at the top of his lungs.

Frank sighed, returned to the mess hall area, and slumped into a chair. "Sorry, guys. I tried."

"S'okay, Frank," mumbled Nico. He looked like he was half asleep at this point.

_"AND IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU! AND I WILL ALLLLLLLLWAAAYYYYYS LOOOOOOOOVE YOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"_

Nico sait bolt upright in his chair, dark eyes wide. "Wide awake! What in the name of Olympus was all that about?

"Leo sings in the shower," Piper said darkly.

"Argh," Hazel murmured sleepily into Frank's t-shirt, "he sounds awful."

"Doesn't he always?" Jason replied.

"True story."

_YOU ARE SAAAAAFE IN MY HEART AND MY HEART WILL GO ON AND OOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!"_

"I don't even have the energy to tell him to shut up anymore."

"Me either."

_"WEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAAMMMMPIONNNNSSS, MY FRIENDS—"_

"Hey, is that Queen?"

"Yeah. You know, I always loved Freddie Mercury."

_"CAN'T READ MY, CAN'T READ MY, NO HE CAN'T READ MY POKER FACE—"_

"Sweet mother of Zeus, now he busts out the Lady Gaga? I was expecting that a little earlier, to be honest with you."

_I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, EVERYBODY'S NERVES, GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOOOOOOOOES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, EVERYBODY'S—"_

"All in favor of just killing him now?"

Every hand in the room went up. 


	5. Mysterious Ticking Noise

Hazel flopped into a chair in the lounge with a huge sigh. Every muscle in her body ached. She wished she could just take a hot shower and go to bed, but unfortunately _someone_ was hogging the bathroom.

"I swear to all the gods," Piper muttered, stalking into the room and taking the chair next to her, "if Valdez starts singing again I'm going to go in there and do something stupid _and_ illegal."

"Everything okay down there?" asked Frank from the corner where he was cleaning monster slime off his bow. There was a half-healed gash down his left cheek; his clothes were torn, burned, and splattered with unidentifiable ooze. Still, Hazel thought he'd never looked more handsome.

"Yeah," Piper replied quietly. "Well, to some extent. Percy I'm not too worried about, but Annabeth..." She trailed off, adjusting the bloody bandage wrapped around her upper right arm.

"I wouldn't freak out," said Hazel gently. "You've gotten really good at healing since your boyfriend decided to become injury-prone."

"I heard that!" called Jason from down the hall.

"You were supposed to!" Hazel called back.

Jason entered the room with Nico close behind.

"Coach decided to hit it early," said the son of Jupiter. "I'm surprised he's not down in sickbay hovering over Percy and Annabeth and threatening them with his baseball bat if they try to pull anything."

Nico snorted. "What are they going to pull? Annabeth broke six ribs and her ankle doesn't look too great either. Percy looks like he got ran over with a tractor. They're in no shape to go anywhere."

Hazel opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by a shrill _"AND A PAAAARTRIDGGGEEEEE IN A PEAAAAAAARRRR TREEEEEEEEEEEE!"_ coming from—you guessed it—the bathroom.

"I should have known my luck wouldn't hold," sighed Piper, stomping from the room. Moments later, Hazel heard her pounding against the bathroom door and yelling something in Greek that probably would have earned her a lifelong grounding from Coach Hedge. Her suspicions were confirmed when Jason—who had picked up a _tiny_ bit of Greek from Piper—flinched at his girlfriend's words.

Over the sound of running water, Leo replied, "IF YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT THE CELESTIAL BRONZE CABLE, PERCY'S DRIVER'S LICENSE, FRANK'S WEIRDO BOOK, AND THE TACO MACHINE, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO THEM!"

"We have a taco machine?" asked Jason.

"My book is not weird!" cried Frank indignantly.

"Percy has a driver's license?" Nico sat straight up in his chair. "Does that mean—"

"Sorry, Nico, not driving you places," interrupted a voice from the doorway. Hazel looked up to see Percy—scarred, bruised, and generally looking like schist, but still very much alive—leaning against the doorframe, Riptide in hand.

"Wise Girl's asleep," he said, noticing their stares. "I was going to go crash soon because I'm exhausted, but I just wanted to make sure you guys knew we had a dying whale on board singing Christmas carols in the bathroom."

The room exploded into laughter. Leave it to Percy to turn a slightly depressing situation into something funny.

As if happy to oblige, Leo promptly burst out with _"MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD, AND THEY'RE LIKE 'IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS'—"_

"Well, then, that was an interesting one."

_"HMM. WHAT IS THAT MYSTERIOUS TICKING NOISE? NOT OVER HERE, NOT OVER THERE, HMM...KIND OF...CATCHY..."_

Percy shrugged. "What the Hades. Why not."

What followed was one of the weirdest things Hazel had ever seen, as everyone lapsed into some song they'd apparently seen on "the Internet":

_"SNAPE, SNAPE, SEVERUS SNAPE. SNAPE, SNAPE, SEVERUS SNAPE—"_ Leo.

_"DUMBLEDORE!"_ Jason.

_"SNAPE, SNAPE, SEVERUS SNAPE" —"DUMBLEDORE!"— "RON, RON, RON WEEEEASLEY!"_ This time, Nico added his voice to the mix.

_"HERMIONE. HERMIONE. HERMIONE."_ Despite herself, Piper couldn't help joining in.

But it was Percy's part that made Hazel laugh the most: _"HARRY POTTER, HARRY POTTER, OOH! HARRY POTTER, HARRY POTTER—THAT'S ME!"_

_"SNAPE"—"HARRY"—"SNAPE"—"HARRY"—"SNAPE"—"HARRY"—"SNAPE!"—"HARRY!"—_

"DUMBLEDOOOORRRREEEEE!"—"HEEERMIONE"—

"DUMBLEDORE!"—"SNAPE, SNAPE, SEVERUS SNAPE"—"RON, RON, RON WEEEEASLEY!"—"HARRY POTTER, I'M HARRY POTTER, I'M HARRY POTTER, HARRY HARRY POTTER—"

"SINGIN' OUR SONG, ALL DAY LONG AT HOOOOOGGWARRTTTTSSS!"

Nobody could stop laughing for a very long time—broken only by the sound of slow footsteps on the stairs.

"Annabeth," Percy said suddenly, turning as if to leave. He didn't have to, though—she had appeared behind him.

"At first I was only going to kill Leo," she said, slowly and deliberately advancing past Percy into the room, "but now you're _all_ on my list." she turned around, leveling the point of her knife at Percy's chin. "Even you, Seaweed Brain. Watch yourself."

And with that, she made her way back through the doorway and down the stairs.

Percy gulped. "Suddenly I'm not too keen on getting any sleep tonight."

Laughing, Jason gave him a gentle shove back through the door. "Oh no, dude. She's _your_ girlfriend. You need to be a man and handle this yourself."

Percy squared his shoulders and headed back down after his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Leo had gotten out of the shower and had come into the lounge wearing sweatpants and a TEAM LEO shirt. "Hey, guys! What'd I miss—what the Hades is that?"

Loud shouting was now coming from downstairs: "ANNABETH—OW, QUIT POKING ME!—NOT THE KNIFE, PLEASE NOT THE KNIFE—YOU IDIOTS, WHY DIDN'T YOU CONFISCATE THE SHARP THINGS?"

Everyone facepalmed.

**A/N: Over 100 reviews on this story! *fangirls* OMG. I didn't expect this story to become so popular! Thanks so much! :)**

As for that long section involving manymanymany Harry Potter characters, go look up 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise' on Youtube. And while you're at it, check out the other Potter Puppet Pals videos.

I dare you not to pee yourself laughing.

I DARE YOU.

EPC 


	6. Annabeth Can't Draw

Annabeth was honestly very surprised when Percy proved to be an excellent battle strategist. Then again, he _had_ just spent some time as praetor of the crazed war machine that was the Twelfth Legion, so she figured she had to give him some credit.

Right now he was up on the table in the lounge, each slash of Riptide just barely missing the ceiling as he sparred with Piper. He'd wanted to demonstrate a move for Hazel and Frank that could disarm an enemy and have them pinned to the ground in three seconds flat, but so far Piper was putting up a pretty good fight. Percy had had no room to get in under her guard after several minutes of continuous blows—of course, she wasn't having much luck either.

"Gods, woman, just _give up_ already!" Percy growled, eyes narrowed.

Piper's only reply was a grin as she parried away his overhead cut.

Laughing to herself at her boyfriend's frustration, Annabeth turned back to her sketchbook, where she'd been staring at a blank page for the last two hours. It was late and her brain was fried, but she didn't think she could go to bed yet—not without Percy, anyway. She couldn't fall asleep without knowing her was right there next to her, alive and okay. (It was because of this that Leo had started calling Annabeth "Mrs. Jackson" behind Coach Hedge's back.)

Speaking of Leo, the son of Hephaestus was (of course) hogging the shower again, though it had gotten surprisingly easy to tune his horrible singing out altogether. The seven had started tossing around things with which to compare Leo's voice earlier; the issue was still being hotly debated twenty minutes later.

_"WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHERRRR—"_

"It sounds like a pack of Laistrygonians going Christmas caroling," said Hazel from the opposite corner, flinching slightly as Percy and Piper jumped off the table and practically sat on each other as they made for the best chair—Piper won, leaving Percy to admit defeat and come sit beside Annabeth. He wrapped one arm around her, dropped his head onto her shoulder, and promptly dozed off. She had to laugh. _Seaweed Brain._

_MAMA, OOH—DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRYYYYYY, IF I'M NOT BACK AGAIN THIS TIME TOMORROOOOOOOW—"_

"No, Hazel, I think you're wrong," said Jason. "It sounds like Octavian trying to give orders during the war games—he's either ordering the First Cohort to hold the line or he's trying to achieve his lifelong dream of becoming Beyonce."

_"ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!"_

Jason buried his face in his hands. "Oh, Jupiter, he heard me."

_"I GOT THE MOOooOoOooOVES LIKE JAGGER!"_

"You're both wrong," said Percy, his head still resting against Annabeth's shoulder. "It sounds like a harpy having sex with Rebecca Black while simultaneously playing the bagpipes very out-of-tune."

"Aren't bagpipes always out of tune?" asked Annabeth rhetorically.

Piper stared at Percy. "_That_," she said slowly, "may be the single greatest description of Leo's singing that I've ever heard."

Annabeth flung her pencil across the room in exasperation with her drawing, which was mediocre at best. Unfazed, Piper tilted her head to the side just enough that the pencil went whistling past her ear and stuck, quivering, in the wall.

"Can't settle on something you like, Wise Girl?" asked Percy.

She shook her head frustratedly. "I just can't draw anything right now!"

From the bathroom came Leo's voice: _"ANNIE CAN'T DRAW, ANNIE CAN'T DRAW, ANNIE CAN NOT DRAW!"_

_"SHE ONLY READS BOOKS AND SHE CAN NOT DRAW, EVEN IF SHE'S READING A HOW TO DRAW BOOK!"_ yelled Percy and Jason, both of them grinning.

"Hey!" Frank shouted over the singing, which was getting progressively more out of control. "Leo can't sing, either!

Everyone joined in with the round of _"LEO CAN'T SING, LEO CAN'T SING, LEO CAN NOT SING—HE ONLY READS BOOKS AND HE CANNOT SING—"_

Leo himself came running into the room, wearing nothing but a towel, still with shampoo in his hair. "I am Leo _freaking_ Valdez—hey, hey, hey, guys, remember how Annabeth can't draw? She can't draw!"

And he went skipping out of the room—slipping only about five hundred times on the trail of water he'd left on the floor—waving his hands on high like a conductor to the tune of _"ANNIE CAN'T DRAW, ANNIE CAN'T DRAW, ANNIE CAN NOT DRAW—"_

**A/N: SWEET POSEIDON I DID NOT EXPECT THIS STORY TO BECOME SO POPULAR.**

As of now, we stand at 139 reviews. I'm hoping we can maybepossiblyhopefully get that number to 200? Pretty please with extra blue cement on top? :)

I love getting all of your input on this story because all your reviews make me crack up so hard. I know I can't really take the time to reply to them individually, but I swear I read and appreciate every single one! Thanks again, guys.

(Also, for those who haven't seen it, the last song is a parody version of Starkid's "Hermione Can't Draw" from A Very Potter Sequel.)

EPC 


	7. House of Love

Piper was really, _really _keyed up this morning. She'd repacked her bag twice and run three miles with Jason—and it was only five-thirty. She hadn't even had any coffee, which was weird in itself.

Strangely enough, as she and the other counselors ran around doing final checks on the _Argo II_, she couldn't see Leo anywhere. Maybe he was still asleep—but Piper kind of doubted that. Leo was so protective of his ship that he'd taken to guarding the door of Bunker 9 himself in the final few weeks of building; there was no way he'd miss this important inspection on purpose.

Footsteps pounded down the deck behind her, and Connor Stoll shouted, "Piper, think fast!" She only barely managed to get out of his way in time as he and his brother Travis ran past her with an enormous crate balanced between them. As quickly as they had come, they circled the stack of supplies now towering on the deck and were gone.

"Piper!" It was Clarisse now, stomping over to her agitatedly. "Have you seen Valdez anywhere? Annabeth needs to ask him about—"

She was cut off by a high-pitched screeching noise from below, causing everyone on the deck to freeze and look down immediately. Several people reached for weapons—the Athena cabin's command post of sorts near the bow of the ship exploded with paper as a flurry of sudden movements disturbed their carefully stacked notes—and others shouted orders above the din.

"What in the name of Olympus is that?" yelled Malcolm over the noise. "It sounds like—"

The son of Athena never got a chance to finish his sentence, because at that point the screeching noise burst into song: _"ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAAAAAS IS YOUUUUUUU!"_

"Holy _Hephaestus_," Jake Mason said incredulously, "is that _Leo_?"

"_AND FOR MY NEXT NUMBER—DRACO LIKES HAMSTERS, DRACO LIKES HONEY—"_

"_DRACO LIKES TOOTHPASTE!" _ yelled Connor from somewhere out of sight.

"_DRACO LIKES MONEY!" _answered Travis.

"For the gods' sakes," snapped Annabeth impatiently, "what is going on here? Is this some sort of prank?" She fixed her glare on everyone individually, but no one seemed to have an answer for her.

Meanwhile, Leo kept singing—something Piper could barely make out as a song about…chicken nuggets, maybe?

"_NUGGET, BISCUIT, NUGGET IN A BISCUIT, DIP IT ALL IN MASHED POTATOES! DIP IT ALL IN MASHED POE-TAYYYY-TOES, DIP THE MASHED-POTATO-COVERED-CHICKEN-NUGGET-BISCUIT IN THE BARBECUE SAUCE!"_

"What in the actual _heck_," said Clarisse, which in Piper's opinion pretty much summed up the whole incident.

By this point the other campers had started to wake up, coming outside to witness the ship preparing for departure and instead witnessing something very different.

"_SOULJA BOY OFF IN THIS OH, WATCH ME CRANK IT, WATCH ME ROLL! WATCH ME CRANK DAT SOULJA BOY THEN SUPERMAN DAT OH, NOW WATCH ME YOOOOOOU!"_

"There are little children here!" Jason exclaimed weakly, speaking for the first time since Leo had started his little recital. "What's he even doing down there, anyway?"

"Apparently," said Connor, who had gone downstairs to find out, "he's testing out the shower."

Moaning, Clarisse slid down one of the masts to the deck and muttered, "Please just let me die."

_"ROXANNE! __YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED LIGHT! __WALK THE STREETS FOR MONEY, YOU DON'T CARE IF IT'S WRONG OR IF IT'S RIGHT!"_

A brief pause.

_"TONIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE MYSELF A REAL GOOD TIME! __I FEEL ALII-HI-HI-HIIIVE!"_

After another hour of preparations, the sun was just barely beginning to peek over the east horizon. During this time, Leo successfully completed the rap sections to four different songs, almost set the bathroom on fire twice, translated an entire Taylor Swift song into alternating lines of Spanish and Greek, and generally got on everybody's nerves.

Piper gently touched Annabeth's shoulder as they were taking one last look out at Camp Half-Blood—maybe the only time they'd see it again for a while. "Don't worry," she said. "We're going to find Percy, and he's going to remember you. And if he doesn't, Jason and I will help you kick his butt six ways to Sunday."

The head counselors—still assembled on the deck for final goodbyes, hugged Annabeth and each said something along the same lines.

Nobody, however, expressed the sentiment better than Leo, who ran down the deck wearing nothing but a towel and shouted, _"EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE OF LOVE!"_

**A/N: HERE IT IS! :)**

**In this update there is (see if you can find them all): one Tobuscus reference, one Potter Puppet Pals reference, one reference to the Royal Wedding Entrance Dance video, one reference to The Perks of Being a Seaweed Brain's promised off-key Mariah Carey ballads, one reference to the totally unauthorized parody of this fic by Iris' daughter, and my eighty-seven bazillionth reference to Leo Valdez being a completely amazing and utterly adorable weirdo.**

**Totally dedicated to mcfuz for mentioning this fic in her story "The Perks of Being a Seaweed Brain", TailsDoll13 for her idea with the Draco song, wombat-of-awesomeness for not thinking I'm weird when I ask her for song suggestions on the bus home from school, Iris' daughter for her parody fic "Roxanne" that's based off of BGB, and YOU, lovely readers, for reviewing this story! It's gotten so popular now—thanks so much!**

**EPC**


	8. Christmas Special

"_OH CHRISTMAS TREEEEEEEE, OH CHRISTMAS TREEEEEEEE, HOW LOVELY ARE YOUR BRANCHES!_"

With an exasperated sigh, Annabeth put down her pencil and let her head fall back against the couch behind her. "Damn, I told you inviting Leo was going to be a bad idea."

"And I, being the Seaweed Brain that I am, didn't listen to you," replied Percy from the kitchen.

As it was Christmas—the first one after the war—Percy had invited his friends to stay at his apartment while his mom and Paul went to visit Paul's parents upstate. Annabeth had arrived early, claimed the spot on the floor in front of the couch, and set to work on yet another blueprint for Olympus. (The rebuilding work had fallen way behind schedule when Zeus cut off the gods' access to their children.)

Someone wearing blue plaid pajama pants stepped in front of her. She had to look up to see Percy, an amused look on his face as he grinned back down at her.

"Cookie?" he asked, producing a blue chocolate chip one from behind his back. "Merry Christmas, you."

"Merry Christmas, yourself," she replied as he sat down next to her. The cookie was delicious as always, and Annabeth found herself savoring every bite—_how does Sally do this?_ she wondered, not for the first time.

"You have chocolate on your face," Percy laughed, reaching over and wiping it off with his thumb.

Annabeth was about to lean in and kiss him because _damn it all to Hades if he's not the best-looking guy I've ever seen_ when Leo—Percy's only other guest at the moment—decided to ruin it by shrieking, "_SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!_" from the direction of the bathroom.

"He came straight from training at camp," Percy said by way of explanation when Annabeth fixed him with an exasperated, accusatory glare. "Said he needed to clean up. Honestly, I don't blame him."

"You don't blame him for needing to shower, or you don't blame him for singing like a coked-up gremlin loud enough to wake the dead? Because if it's the second one, so help me gods, I will _cut_ you." She tapped her knife threateningly with one finger.

"Annabeth, you're not from the ghetto, nor should you act like you are."

After that, Leo was momentarily forgotten as people started to arrive: Piper, Jason, Frank, Hazel, Nico, Reyna, and most of the head counselors. Thalia barged in by herself a few minutes late and promptly gave Percy a flying tackle-hug, which made everyone crack up.

They had all settled themselves around the living room and were ready for one Hades of an interesting conversation when the singing started back up again.

"_SIIIIIIIILENT NIIIIIIIIGHT, HOOOOOOOOOOLY NIIIIIIIIIGHT—_"

Clarisse almost spit out the bite of cookie she'd just taken. "Gods damn it, Percy. You just _had_ to invite Leo, didn't you?"

"Do I want to know why he's in the shower?" asked Rachel.

"Not really."

"_ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME..._"

"A really well-deserved beating," mumbled Reyna under her breath.

"Kissy kissy, someone's in looove!" Connor said teasingly, though he shut up when Reyna fixed him with the Death Glare to End All Death Glares.

This was when Leo dropped the pretense of singing regular Christmas songs and moved on to parodies:

"_WE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT AAAARE, TRIED TO SMOKE A RUBBER CIGAAAAR! IIIT WAS LOOOOADED, IT EXPLOOOODED—_"

"THAT'S IT!" Clarisse shouted, wriggling free of Chris' grip and stomping off to the bathroom.

Travis, meanwhile, pulled out a sheet of paper and slapped it onto the table. "Everyone memorize as much of this as you can, quickly!"

Loud banging and crashing sounds were now coming from the bathroom, and all Annabeth could think was that Percy's neighbors were not going to like this at all.

Connor stood up, waved his hands like a conductor, and led the room in singing:

"_DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW, GET OUT OF CLARISSE'S WAY! OVER STRAWBERRY FIELDS WE GO, LAUGHING ALL THE WAY! BELLS THE APOLLOS RING, MAKING SPIRITS BRIGHT, WHAT FUN IT IS TO LAUGH AND SING AT THE CAMPFIRE TONIGHT!_"

Leo sprinted around the corner wearing nothing but a hastily wrapped towel and joined in on the chorus: "_OH, JINGLE BELLS, NICO SMELLS, THALIA LAID AN EGG! THE ARES CHARIOT LOST A WHEEL AND THE STOLL BROTHERS GOT AWAY, HEY!_"

They all got so carried away with the song that they didn't notice Leo had stood up on the table for a while. When they finally did, though, Annabeth shushed everybody and asked, "What is it, Leo?"

"I have a special Christmas song I'd like to sing for you guys," Leo said, then cleared his throat dramatically and began to sing what was decidedly NOT a Christmas song.

"_WE'RE NO STRANGERS TO LOOOOOVE! YOU KNOW THE RULES AND SO DO IIIIII! A FULL COMMITMENT'S WHAT I'M THINKING OOOOOF, YOU WOULDN'T GET THIS FROM ANY OTHER GUYYYY—IIIII JUST WANNA TELL YOU HOW I'M FEELING, WANNA MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND—I'M NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN, NEVER GONNA RUN AROOOUND AND DESERT YOU! I'M NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY, NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE! I'M NEVER GONNA TELL A LIIE AND HURT YOOOU!_"

Thalia rolled her eyes when Leo had finished and most everyone else was on the floor from laughing so hard. "Leo, nineteen eighty-six called. It wants its punchline back."

**A/N: Yes, Leo just Rickrolled you.**

You're welcome.

EPC 


	9. Let's Scandalize Hazel

"So... bored..."

Percy looked up; the moan came from Frank, who lay spread-eagled on the deck of the _Argo II_. The demigods were all sitting around, engaged in various activities in which they clearly had no real interest.

Honestly, all Percy really wanted to do—and he knew the others felt the same way—was to go home, back to the United States and their respective camps, and never have to deal with saving the world again. They could finally have a chance at somewhat normal lives.

"Me too," said Jason, voicing Percy's thoughts aloud. "Can we, like, actually _do_ something?"

Piper laughed. "What is there to do? Unless you want to fight some more monsters or defeat freaking Gaea again—"

"Nobody wants that," said Annabeth quickly, and everyone murmured agreement.

"Hey," Hazel said suddenly, sitting straight up against the railing. "Where's Leo?"

"That is the question," mumbled Percy, and Annabeth laughed lightly.

"If I know Leo," she said, grinning, "he's probably—"

_"I'M ON A BOAT, I'M ON A BOAT, EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME! 'CAUSE I'M SAILING ON A BOAT, I'M ON A BOAT, I'M ON A BOAT, TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT THE MOTHERFU—"_

Nico moaned, "Oh gods, why. Why do you do this to me?"

"We're all wondering that," said Frank and Jason simultaneously.

_"SEX, BABY! LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME!"_

"Is it like 'let's scandalize Hazel' day? Because I'm not really getting a kick out of this," said Hazel, fanning her face.

_"SEX ON A BEACH, WE DON'T MIND SAND IN OUR STILETTOS, OH OH—"_

Percy looked over at Annabeth. "Hey, it's 'California Gurls'! You know—"

Annabeth slapped a hand over his mouth. "First of all, I'm from Virginia. Secondly, don't even think about it, because whatever you're implying is _not going to happen_."

Percy could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. Everyone else was laughing their heads off—except for poor Hazel, who looked absolutely mortified.

_"OHHHH, YOU GONNA TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT! OHHHH, DOWN BESIDE YOUR RED FIRELIGHT! OHHHH, YOU GONNA LET IT ALL HANG OUT! FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS, YOU MAKE THE ROCKIN' WORLD GO ROUND!"_

Frank groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, covering his ears with his hands. "Sweet Romulus, will somebody please just shoot me?"

_"IIIII WANT ACTION TONIGHT! SAAAATISFAAACTION, ALRIGHT—"_

"Oh my gods, I'm gonna kill him," mumbled Jason.

"Way ahead of you," said Piper, unsheathing her dagger and heading toward the stairs.

"Wait!" Percy shouted down after her. She paused, holding the door leading downstairs open. "It's not really 'let's scandalize Hazel' day until we do the wobble!"

Annabeth rolled her eyes. "Percy, seriously? He's not going to—"

_"WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE! WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE! WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE! WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE BABY WOBBLE! GET IN THERE, YEAH YEAH! GET IN THERE, YEAH YEAH!"_

Hazel buried her face in her hands. "I have officially lost all my faith in humanity."

"Technically we're only half human, but—"

"Jason?"

"Yes?"

"Please shut up."

* * *

**A/N: Yo, I'm back.**

**"BUT EMMA WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU ABANDONED FANFICTION AND WE ALL THOUGH YOU HAD DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH!"**

**Let me put it to you this way: Finals. Suck. I've been watching Duck Dynasty, which should tell you a lot about my mental health for the past few weeks. Other than that, I've really got no excuses for not updating or posting new stuff other than general laziness.**

**Also Tumblr. **

**All right, guys. This is where I need you to help me out. I've got no shortage of songs to use, but I really need theme suggestions for each chapter—like "let's scandalize Hazel" or the Christmas chapter. So if you could try to leave suggestions in your reviews, that would be A+.**

**Songs used in this chapter: _I'm on a Boat_ - The Lonely Island / _Let's Talk_ _About Sex_ - Salt N Pepa / _California Gurls_ - Katy Perry / _Fat Bottomed Girls_ - Queen / _I Want Action_ - Poison / _Wobble_ - V.I.C._  
_**

**Toodles!**

**EPC :)**


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